In a fix


The 2011 ICC Cricket World Cup is upon us! This means we'll be spending more evenings at home, our cola intake will see a rise, and if we win, which no doubt we will, it's going to send the noise pollution radar into a frenzy. So by the end of this month, we will be, in no particular order, fat, deaf and mad. No, read it like this. You will soon be sharing road space with deaf and mad people with slow reflexes.

How to counter this? Well, start with leaving really early for work. Ride/drive out at 5am. Bribe your office security chap and catch a good three hours of snooze on your office desk. If possible, don't go back home at all. Certainly avoid going shopping with your better half, because then you'll have to pretend to be deaf and mad as well. Well, mad at least. Deaf you will turn into anyway. Stay away from Indicas, or generally any cars, that have a leather ball sticker tearing the bootlid open or knocked out stumps or any such cricket-centric livery. They will be overtly charged with emotions, whether we win or lose, and will be as flexible about sharing lanes as the bark of a Banyan tree.

If you're the 'been all over the world' type, make sure you peel off all stickers of other cricket playing nations' flags from your car. You may be pelted with stones or collectively manhandled. None of which, I'm sure, you desire. Also, make sure you wear clothes as close to blue as possible. Certainly avoid green, yellow, dark green, dark blue, maroon, orange and for purely aesthetic reasons, pink.

Oh, and hopefully by the end of the tournament, exciting motorcycles like the Honda CBR 250R, the Mahindra Mojo and the Hyosungs should be amongst us. This means you'll have enough horsepower to compensate for those extra kilos you've piled on. As for me, well, Germany doesn't play cricket, so I couldn't be bothered.